Saturday, August 21, 2010


I voted for the Australian Liberal Party today.

Look, I don't particularly agree with many of their policies- ''Stop the boats'' for example. I'm from Perth and I can safely say they've got no chance with that one! We're water babies here in the sunburned country and no draconian policy changes are going to get us to take our tinnies to the wreckers. Even if Tony Abbott is charismatic as hell!!

No, the reason T.A. and that fat pirck got my vote was because under their governance, I see a genuine possibility of them re-introducing compulsory military service. And for a generation as soft and doughy as this one, that can only be a good thing.

Do you ever wonder why your parents gave you such a hard time? Ever wonder why they made you eat those celery sticks and hid the 2 litre Coke bottle from you?

Well, they knew.

Ever wonder why your footy coach made you run that extra lap or told you to lay off the oranges at half time?

He also knew.

Kid, they all knew your generation would be the frailest in this country's short history and simply wanted to safeguard you from the crooked fingered-puppeteer you've sadly become.

So, how do you think that makes them feel? The fact that they've failed you as parents?

To be honest, it's not really their fault. Your shortcomings as a human being can be put down to environmental factors and a set of clearly identifiable human weaknesses.

You grew up in an age of easily-accessible punk records, mp3 downloads, informative blogs, one-day alternative music festivals (or as I like to call them, gigs with too many bands on the bill), events staged at places called ''DIY spaces''... I mean, these things could turn even the hardest, cauliflower eared, busted-knuckled son of a bitch into a silk bag jammed full of Fischer Price stuffed toys.

You see, your interests have barely developed beyond collecting marbles and licking the egg beaters. Your skill set is one braincell above writing your name in crayon. If they still sold Bubblegummers shoes, you'd pay a premium for the opportunity to wear them.

And this is why I pray. Every night.

This is why I pray to the lord, Jesus Christ, that tonight, the Liberal party wraps itself around this country and beats us out of this malaise.

I pray that their midnight death squads and secret police departments infiltrate the hearts and minds of future generations, before it's too late for them! Our generation is beyond repair. We've discovered Ebay and Terminal Boredom web zine. We're in no man's land. Let us die with whatever modicum of dignity we have left. Tell our housemates to help themselves to our Stagg Braised Steak and Onion tins and to take the rest of the rent out of our bond if that's cool with the agent? Wrench our gold crowns and our over-priced rare singles from us. Tell our parents we're sorry for covering our bedroom doors in Garbage Gang stickers. It's only now, with the cruel blows of hindsight, that we realise just how bad it was for the paintwork.

Folks, I'd like to share with you my hopes and my dreams.

I dream that future generations of young Australians discover jogging, not blogging. That Vans slip-on's are replaced with combat boots. That every Big Muff pedal on the planet is ceremonially destroyed with a sledgehammer and melted down to provide the raw materials for state-of-the-art military attack vehicles.

I heard mutterings at the polling booth today that the recruitment office is going to be temporarily housed in the front bar of the Tote Hotel and party volunteers could be canvassing the inner suburbs as soon as September.

I also have it on very good authority that the warehouse conversions of Fitzroy, Collingwood and Northcote will once again become fully functional warehouses, manufacturing plants and distribution centres for the party's intense arms-production strategy. Massive re-sale prices are anticipated in ten years as a result of this residential conversation scheme.

The Liberal Party's plan is to create more physically demanding jobs, less opportunities for intellectual stimulation and larger amounts of hard industrial waste.

Look, toxic run off is fine, as long as it's a by-product of war time industrial advancement. If the threat of nuclear war forces us to use our Nuggets box sets as kindling during five years of nuclear winter, then I say, destroy our natural flora and fauna and lets never look back.

We must pour harsh chemicals into pristine natural habitats until this generation puts down their Fender guitars and starts making some real noise, ie- BOMBS, FREIGHT TRAINS, TANKS, HEAVY INDUSTRY and WAR.

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